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Top Ten Manliest Superheroes!

Longbox Graveyard #54

Comic book heroes are usually rendered in an impossible physical ideal, but today’s superheroes go beyond Olympian physiques and into some crazy realm where even their muscles have muscles. Trying to pick the fittest and strongest amongst them is a mug’s game. Even Forbush Man looks like he’s been working out!

Manliness is something else entirely. You need a lot more than a square jaw and chiseled abs to join this particular club — you need a manly attitude, too. And since we’re talking comic books, we’re looking for exaggerated manliness, while stopping short of being — ahem — too manly. Stubbly chins, stogies, and gravelly voices all count for a lot. So does pimp style, womanizing, and a tendency to think with their fists.

It also helps to be kinda sorta a regular guy, or at least as regular as you can get while infused with gamma radiation, cosmic rays, or a super-soldier serum.

Who is the manliest superhero of them all? Joining me for today’s oh-so-serious nerd debate are Tom Mason, comic book scholar extraordinaire (and when he isn’t doing more important things, you can find him over at Comix 411). Also here is Chris Ulm, last seen at Longbox Graveyard as a part of my WonderCon panel, and also my co-host for the blog I did on Deathlok several weeks ago (and it occurs to me that Deathlok is pretty damn manly, too, but dead men are excluded from consideration).

(Both of these gentlemen will join me at my upcoming Comic-Con panel, so if you don’t like their choices below, c’mon by our panel and throw rotten fruit at them).

Our goal is to come up with a list of the ten manliest superheroes, but knowing these guys, it’s going to be a chore to stay on target …

PAUL: Who gets an honorable mention before we get to the list?

ULM: Aquaman might get my vote — the fact that he has the sheer swinging stones to show up riding a seahorse and spends his time talking to sea-spiders says a lot about his confidence — he obviously doesn’t give a crap what anyone thinks — not even Batman.

PAUL: Not Aquaman, no — not since he went sitcom on us. Plus he let his wife push him around during that family RV vacation. No one can be hectored by his spouse and make the list. That’s the reason Spider-Man doesn’t make it — Gwen Stacy, MJ, and Black Cat are the holy trinity of comic book girlfriends but Peter’s a mommas boy and he’s whipped.

TOM: Everyone knows Flash and Atom are whipped.

PAUL: Flash is SO whipped! I spent half a review column on Iris bugging Barry about being late and not the man Flash is and blah blah blah. It goes beyond the Lois Lane trope into some kind of power exchange fetish play.

TOM: Flash has never appealed to me because of this weird henpecked way they wrote him in the Silver Age. I like strong female characters, but they made Iris some kind of naggy harpy and turned Flash into a guy who was constantly fretting about getting in trouble. The whole recurring “Barry’s late again” with Iris standing in a doorway checking her watch is just too much. All those 60s DC editors, especially Weisinger and Schwartz, always put out comics with these bizarre male-female dynamics that seem mean-spirited and misogynistic and out of touch with reality.

And the Atom, the Ray Palmer one, is another weird 1960s domestic drama, with a guy who has the powers of a man but’s just six inches tall. I’m not buying it and no one else is.

ULM: Speaking of little guys, Ant Man has to go to bars explaining that he’s … Ant Man. And he STILL nailed the winsome Wasp. That’s MANLY. If he had manned up and just stayed Ant Man, he’d definitely get my vote. After all, he did create Ultron in his spare time. But since Henry Pym keeps changing his name like a giant pussy (“Oooh, check me out: I’m YELLOWJACKET! I’m GIANT-MAN now!”) he’s off my list.

plus, being a dick does NOT make you manly!

TOM: How about a lady’s man like The Spirit?

PAUL: The Spirit is interesting. Because of the femme fatales?

TOM: I think yeah because of the femme fatales. He’s got chicks falling all over him – most of them are evil and trying to kill him and he doesn’t catch on until it’s almost too late, but they keep a’coming. And he likes it. After fifteen beautiful women have tried to kill you, you might get suspicious of #16, but The Spirit welcomes her with open arms. That’s a special kind of guts, or the biggest lack of self-awareness for at least seven pages of every eight page story.

PAUL: By that criteria we’d have to include Daredevil. He notched up Black Widow, Electra, and pre-crackwhore Karen Page. Plus he holds his own with crap powers, and wears a costume only a blind guy would think is cool (and pulls it off).

TOM: What about Green Arrow? No powers, but he took stupid equipment and made it work. He’s got some manliness/sexist issues that often threaten to overwhelm him, but for awhile he had a love arrow for Black Canary.

PAUL: Good one, it crossed my mind, I suppose every case I make for Daredevil would apply here too.

TOM: Exactly. Plus, Green Arrow has very strong opinions about a lot of life issues and isn’t afraid to point his finger into anyone’s chest for emphasis. It takes a special kind of man to make an arrow with a boxing glove on it. Oliver Queen is always ready for a fight.

PAUL: All right, I’ll put The Spirit, Daredevil, and Green Arrow on the list at number ten. It’s my list and I can break the rules!

10) The Spirit, Daredevil, Green Arrow (half-mad chick magnets)

If stupid gear is going to score manly points, how about Guy Gardner? Moe haircut. Bad attitude. Jerkwad. But no way is anyone manly enough to pull of a Green Lantern costume.

Anyone else?

TOM: Fawcett’s Capt. Marvel is like the Tim Tebow of super-heroes. He gets the job done, but he’s not going to clear out the biker bar in the middle of the night.

PAUL: How about that other big boy scout — Superman?

ULM: Superman technically should get credit for being manly because one can only imagine the damage a swarm of super-sperms could do to Metropolis. That alone should give him high standing in the manly sweepstakes. However, as an alien, technically he’s not a man, so forget it.

PAUL: Superman’s seemed a little limp to me since that Brandon Routh picture. I don’t much like Zack Snyder but if anyone is going to give Superman a testosterone injection, he’s the guy. Though I expect he’ll go all 300 and make Superman just a little … too manly.

TOM: Superman’s now this wistful nostalgic character content to sit atop tall buildings, smell flowers and pick out shapes in the clouds. He’s like Dr. Manhattan in the early parts of Watchmen. He’s like Xanax in a cape now. At least in the old days, Jimmy would turn himself into a giant turtle or Lois would throw herself out the window to make his life interesting.

ULM: Since you mention Jimmy …

PAUL: We didn’t. C’mon, I need someone for number nine.

TOM: How about Lobo?

PAUL: Never read Lobo. Whaddya think?

TOM: Lobo is technically some kind of alien freak biker badass. He doesn’t take crap from anyone and doesn’t fight fair. He’s manly in the same way that a Hell’s Angel is manly at 2am Sunday. He would totally own Burning Man and those people would follow him anywhere.

PAUL: I’d put him on the list but Ulm’s already disqualified Superman for being an alien. And if a motorcycle was enough to get you in I’d pick Ghost Rider. With that flaming skull head, he’s like a living tattoo on the back of a mass-murderer’s neck. Leather. Hotline to Satan. Charter member of the Legion of Monsters. Problem is that Nick Cage has played him twice and he’s also a charter member of the Champions, the lamest superhero team of all time.

TOM: How about Wildcat? My understanding is that he is/was a boxer. He’s got no super powers except brute strength and a mean right hook, so he’s a little like Batman in that regard (but without any gadgets). I’d say it’s manly for a guy to put on a cat costume to fight crime. That’s the nine lives of brass balls.

PAUL: Plus I think in one of DC’s innumerable reboots, Wildcat is the guy who taught Batman how to fight. OK, I don’t know if he belongs or not, but we’re not making a lot of headway so he goes on the list.

9) Wildcat (are YOU going to tell him he’s NOT manly?)

Wildcat seems like a regular guy, too. Like Ben Grimm. Ben’s got the stogie and you could drink beer with him and he’d pay. He’s got the New York street kid gang thing going on. Test pilot. He’s approachable but too much like your uncle to make the list.

ULM: The manliest super-hero is Thundra. You know she has penis, but maybe you’d still date her for the story …

PAUL: Sorry, you need to have a Y chromosome to make the list.

Thundra is NOT amused!

OK, since this is going nowhere fast I’m going to just start putting names on the list. Like … Black Panther. So, so cool. African king. Many wives. Pimp style and for awhile he was a hip hop guy (maybe still is). Downside: Token Avenger.

8) T’Challa (but you can call him Black Panther)

If pimp style counts, then we have to consider Sub-Mariner. Goes to work in his underwear (and when he doesn’t he wears the Pimp Suit and pulls it off). Perpetually pissed off. Royal blood. Has a giant octopus for his wingman. Fought Nazis AND the Japanese. Attacked New York a bunch of times. Downsides — Shares many of Aquaman’s negatives, he’s a Pretty Boy, plus couldn’t steal Sue Storm from Rubberman and he’s a fish. And if being a fish or an animal knocks you out, then there goes Howard the Duck, who has a stogie and no pants, but there was definitely something happening with Bev.

And it’s apropos of nothing, but I think we have to include Thor. Divine hammer. Muscles out to here. Can drink the whole mead hall under the table, got the whole viking thing going on. Downside: Cute little wings on the helmet and talks funny. Pretty. But I thought the movie last year did a decent job of making Thor seem like a regular guy, that he wouldn’t cockblock you or make you feel like a sidekick. He’s got those Warriors Three always hanging around and they don’t seem any worse for it.

7) Thor (long hair, thees and thous, but still manly)

I guess Gods are in, while aliens are out. Any other edge cases I’m forgetting?

ULM: What about Black Bolt? He is the ultimate version of the tall silent type. Apart from the occasional tear slowly crawling down his cheek, he keeps his lips zipped and only opens his mouth to destroy ancient Kree cities.

PAUL: Not sure I’d pick him over someone like Orion of the New Gods. He’s heir to the throne of a deathgod. Bad dad issues. Messed-up face and wants to fight everyone. But all the New Gods are kind of sissified — not as bad as Seraphim, but still …

How about someone more down-to-earth. Like Luke Cage! First, he’s Luke Cage! Should have been played by Samuel L. Jackson, but now he’s too old. Defends the ghetto and has a steel chain for a belt. Curses by saying “Christmas!” Downside: Curses by saying Christmas!

6) Luke Cage (Christmas!)

Who am I missing?

TOM: Judge Dredd?

PAUL: Dredd definitely, completely forgot about him. He’d in the running for #1 if he had even one lady on his dance card. His one-dimensionality holds him back, if you consider being the fifth manliest superhero being held back. He wears that helmet to bed, you know. Not sure if that helps or hinders his case.

5) Judge Dredd (he is the Law … which means no time for the ladies)

And if ladies are part of the equation, then you have to give it up for … Iron Man. Fought the Commies, and he’s a merchant of death.

ULM: Iron Man. Heart condition. Drinks. Smokes. Womanizes. Builds cool shit in his garage. Drives fast cars. Hangs out with thunder gods, super-soldiers and Nick Fury. Most importantly, Tony Stark has man-servants like Happy Hogan to do his taxes and drive him around to bang super-models. C’mon — is this really a contest? Think about what Bruce Wayne does in his spare time — obsess about crime and train young men to be his “ward.” NO CONTEST.

PAUL: Yeah, but there are some drawbacks, especially as he compares to Batman. Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are a push on the millionaire playboy thing, but Batman scores points for working without a net. How manly do you have to be to take on bad guys in what is essentially the battlesuit version of an F-15? Plus, Batman has the stubble while Tony has that pencil-thin mustache. And he can’t hold his booze.

Still:

4) Iron Man (manly enough for this room)

But technology only gets you so far. Guts counts for more than gears, and Wolverine gets points for the stogie, the hair, the tortured past, and the chip on his shoulder — more than enough to make up for the showtunes thing.

3) Wolverine (despite the Hugh Jackman thing)

Keep the stubble and the attitude, remove the Canadian thing, and add a whole bunch more women and you get …

2) Batman (despite the Val Kilmer thing)

Man points up for the gravelly voice and stubble (when Jim Lee draws him at least). Major playa with disposable starlets and supervillainesses like Cat Woman. Put a bun in the oven with Talia al Ghul, and probably Talia Shire too. No real powers. Loses points for hanging out with Robin.

manly pajamas

ULM: Really, all this stuff is just throwing you off the track. The real manliest man is JIMMY OLSEN. Yes, the alter ego of multiple super-heroes through the years including (but probably not limited to) Mr. Action, Giant Turtle Boy, Elastic Lad, Flamebird, Speed Demon, Insect Guy, Morbidly Obese guy, Gorilla, Viking guy, etc.

When not solving crimes in one of these guises, Jimmy has to always be on call and kowtow to a his “best friend,” a homoerotic alien fixated on a crazy woman desperately climbing the office ladder of a two-bit newspaper. Non-stop drama with no escape in sight. The fact that Jimmy Olsen is not swinging over a drain makes him, by far, the manliest super-hero in any universe.

PAUL: Sorry, Ulm, I’m not buying it. Maybe you could squeeze Jimmy in at number ten with that kind of logic but you missed your chance. We’re talking about numero uno now, and that means just one person …

1) Nick Fury (Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

He’s number one and it’s not even close. Eye patch. Stubble. Stogie. Actually IS played by Samuel L. Jackson. No super powers but he’s still The Boss. Pretty sure he nailed Madame Hydra and he had that tragic lost love in the old Sgt. Fury comics.

played by Samuel L. Jackson AND the Hoff? THAT’S Manly!

TOM: Also, Nick fury has the Infinity Formula so he will live forever.

Nick’s got a special kind of manliness. He fought Hitler, founded a secret agency, built a secret base that hovers in the air, he gets to boss around the superheroes despite having no actual powers, and he carries a gun, even when he’s on his giant secret hovercraft base. I’ll say it again: He bosses around the Avengers, and they like it.

PAUL: Damn right they like it. And you know why? Because Nick is MANLY, that’s why, manlier even than Giant-Sized Man Thing!

And that’s the list! Thanks to Tom and Ulm for their wise contributions (notwithstanding the whole Jimmy Olsen bit).

Agree, disagree …? Sound off in the comments, below!

NEXT WEDNESDAY: #55 — The Amazing Spider-Man

LONGBOX GRAVEYARD TOP TEN LISTS

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About Longbox Graveyard

Revelations and retro-reviews from a world where it is always 1978. There's a new blog every odd Wednesday at www.longboxgraveyard.com!

Posted on June 27, 2012, in Lists! and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 59 Comments.

  1. You missed out the punisher, no powers and he’s been tortured loads of times, its always funny to see the look on other characters faces when he’s been in a fight

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    • Agg! We totally whiffed on that one! He deserves an honorary spot as #5a, because everything we said about Judge Dredd applies to the Punisher, too, though the crappy movies don’t much help his cause (he said, fully aware that Sly Stallone butchered Dredd in a movie of his own).

      Good one.

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  2. Laugh out loud funny, boys! ❤ it! Really entertaining! Good on ya! 😃

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  3. This blog went to press before I could truly press my case on Jimmy Olsen. I protest the rush to judgement — my carefully reasoned arguments have been edited together into a clownish rant! Jimmy Olsen was the courageous choice – a choice that would have set Longbox Graveyard apart as being BOLD, INNOVATIVE and DECISIVE. Sadly, with the choice of Nick Fury, O’Connor has revealed himself nothing more than a shill to the lame stream comic book media.
    -Chris Ulm

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    • You missed the chance to call me a Quisling. Plus, any reference to the “lame stream” media should mention “NOBAMA!”

      Also, you failed to piss on John Carter, the first time in a month you’ve failed to slip in a gratuitous punch to my Carter Plexus. You’re slipping, Ulm. (“Clownish Rant” has a ring to it, though).

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  4. I would argue for Dragon (from Savage Dragon) and The Comedian.

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    • I wouldnt agree with The Comedian he’s too much of a bastard

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      • Yeah, if I bounced Yellowjacket for being a dick, I don’t think the Comedian is getting through the door. Savage Dragon is a worthy pick though I confess I don’t know much about the character … but just having “Savage” and “Dragon” in your name is a good start.

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        • Let me get this straight…you ‘bounced’ a guy because he was a ‘dick’. I’m not sure, but you may have just disqualified yourself as an impartial judge to what exactly defines manly. ‘Being a dick’ comes from the term ‘dick’ or penis. There is literally, by definition, nothing more masculine. The job of a penis is exclusively about invading others whether they like it or not, getting business done, pissing everywhere, and not necessarily in that order. Jerks got named ‘dicks’ because they were single-mindedly prickish like the penis, not the other way around.

          I over-aggressively submit Conan as the ridiculously easy win for this hen house prattle of a debate. “Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of the women.” Conan makes being a dick especially manly when takes his throne, the women come back for more, and every knee has bowed. Fury commands soldiers. Conan rules nations.

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          • Having a dick doesn’t make you A dick, and having a dick doesn’t make you a man, either. For a masterful summation of the finer details of this definition, please refer to Gary Johnston’s 2004 speech before the U.N. General Assembly, HERE.

            Conan was disqualified because he wears his underwear on the inside (or not at all). I love Conan but this was a superhero list, and Conan isn’t a superhero, unless you count that Roy Thomas What If? were he came to New York during the power failure and wore a pimp suit. Which I don’t.

            Anyway, thanks for your expert dick testimony, -M. May I call you “M?” Or how about “Dash?” I hope you’ll stick around and become a regular. We need more cranky guys around here.

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  5. Ulm nailed it on his description of Iron Man. Just based on that paragraph, we’d put him in #1. Dredd Rules but is he really a superhero? Or just a bad-ass? Or just… THE LAW. Plus, if you can get on this list without having any dang superpowers, then Conan and Kull out-man most of the capes!

    p.s. you suck for booting Lobo

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    • I will admit we parsed our list pretty closely, gerrymandering whole swaths of the four-color universe out of the running with arbitrary rulings against aliens and non-superhero superhero comics (which knocks out my personal fave Conan while letting Dredd and Fury through the door).

      But Longbox Graveyard is all about stuffed ballot boxes and stacked decks, and as Jon Politio complained in Miller’s Crossing, “… if you can’t trust a fix, what can you trust? For a good return, you gotta go bettin’ on chance – and then you’re back with anarchy, right back in the jungle.”

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  6. Fun read, guys! But, Hawkeye’s not on the list? Really? Guy Gardner certainly thinks he’s manly, and for that, I love the big lug. In a manly way, of course. Lobo is a good choice for the list, too. Still, I can’t disagree with Wildcat at #9. It’s funny you compared him to Ben Grimm, because I was thinking the same thing, though he’s Ben Grimm with a slightly nastier attitude and without a love like Alicia’s to cheer him up. Also, when you mentioned Thundra, that immediately made me think of Arkon. I don’t really think it gets more manly than him, actually. He’s like Conan with thunderbolts, plus I believe he bedded Thundra, which must make him ubermanly.

    I love the Black Panther, but I’d choose Namor over him for this list. I think T’Challa is too suave and sophisticated to be truly manly.

    I agree with Thor being on the list. Plus he manages to juggle Sif (hubba hubba!) and Jane Foster.

    Luke Cage? Anyone that says to Dr. Doom “Where’s my money, honey?” deserves to be on this list!

    Speaking of Jimmy Olsen, I think he was my favorite part of All-Star Superman. That’s when I realized that this dweeb is actually cool! Well, at least he was in that.

    I can’t argue with Nick Fury at #1 (though I don’t really think of him as a superhero) though I don’t really think of him getting a lot of ladies, but then I was never a big Nick Fury reader, so I’ve probably missed a lot. Plus, he’s got everything else. The eye patch really wins it for him.

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    • “Conan with thunderbolts” is compelling evidence, Dave, that’s like a monkey that can drive a car, or a dinosaur with a machine gun — instant respect!

      And there might be a whole column to write about Thundra’s paramours … she had the hots for Ben Grimm, and I just finished reading an issue of Marvel Two-In-One which was pretty much entirely about Hyperion trying to get into her pants. The issue concludes with the two of them vanishing through a portal to Thundra’s homeworld, where Hyperion presumably is made to feel like John Ritter in Skin Deep — like “Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

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  7. We actually had a long discussion about Hawkeye that’s on the cutting room floor. The general consensus, led by me, is that (and this is evident in his early appearances and really pops out in the 1970s) he’s not manly – he’s a jerk. Every time the Avengers have fight some evil, he’s the first one to bitch about it with a “What? Now?” attitude. Considering that so many of the heroes on the list are dying for a fight – and will start one if you don’t – Hawkeye doesn’t make the grade.

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    • Silver Age Hawkeye is all about internal conflict — he’s the character that shakes things up in the Avengers, getting on Cap’s case about leading the team and brawling with Hank Pym every other issue over some simple misunderstanding. His relationship with Black Widow might earn him some consideration but Natasha really yanks his chain in those early issues, heading off to the Far East on double-agent missions without leaving a forwarding address, then coming back into Hawkeye’s life when she pleases. So basically he’s Green Arrow but he can’t run his relationship, and he’s less about sticking to the man than he is about being a dick, as per Tom’s expert analysis!

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      • Yeah, and dicks suck! 

        Nice guys always finish last. Dead last, in my experience. (They always finish first for me.) Really hate it when the jerks come out on top. Nice to see they’re not in the running here on LBG.

        Thought Kilmer sucked as Batman, too. George and Christian are my faves. Shucks, I know. Thought George brought a certain lighthearted je ne sais quoi to the role that I thought was missing previously — having been first turned on to the character by Adam West at a very young age. Think I may be the only one who thinks so? Even George says he sucked? Everyone is mistaken, of course. But, hey, I can live with that.

        Tremendously liking Christian Bale as Batman. He’s a talented thespian. 

        More than anything, though, I like the good guys. Any and all. GO, good guys!

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        • You sound bitter, Dizzy. :-) The sad thing is, you’re right. Nice guys do finish last (thank you Leo Durocher) but like you, I like nice guys, and as I get older, I find myself liking them more and the dary, gritty characters less.

          As far as Batman, to be honest, I thought Michael Keaton was the best one, and I was highly skeptical when I’d heard he would be potraying Batman. George was decent, better than he’s given credit for, but a bit too light for me. That’s more of a Tony Stark thing, I think. Bale is a dick, but a very good actor.

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          • I don’t think I’ve really liked any of the Batman actors, aside from Adam West (for all the wrong reasons). Casting Michael Keaton against type was bold but didn’t quite pay off for me, though to be fair I didn’t like any of Burton’s Batman pictures. I love the Christopher Nolan films (and am signed up for a three-film marathon in July when the Dark Knight Rises), but I consider Christian Bale the weakest part of the series — he strikes me as a weak guy playing tough, and his “Batman” voice doesn’t help at all. I don’t hate him but he’s not a net positive either.

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            • I can dig it.

              Adam West had me hooked before I could read. He’ll always be my fave. A testament to my geekness from birth. 😃 lol

              I’m a Chris Bale fan. I was rather skeptical when they cast him — Heath, too. I thought he played it rather low-key not unlike West’s. I liked him, but may be biased.

              And, as for him being a dick? I think he just had a REALLY bad day and the whole planet found out. The guy has some baggage and I’m willing to cut him some slack… for now, that is. He’s no Mel Gibson, that’s for sure! lol

              Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties, I will be unable to catch the new Batman until I my satellite picks it up. 😉 Hope you enjoy the shows!

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          • Gosh, me, Dave? Bitter? 😜 lol

            I have this pipe dream that Love will reign. That the Good Guys, the underdogs, will rule the day. The clock is ticking and the bad guys seem to be winning. But, heck, L.A. DID win the Stanley Cup! Might there still be hope, Batman? 😊

            Still, there’s something to be said for dark, gritty characters,… the disenfranchised…

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  8. You left out Punisher and Hercules ! Oversights yes but I would like to throw Shang-Chi up for consideraion . Shows up for a fight in his pajamas , kicks ass like he has super powers even though he doesn,t , and who needs shoes anyway !! I mean come on you know during those epic battle-royals with busted robots and dead ninjas everywhere there has to some glass laying around !! If you step on a lego in your bare feet it might as well be a landmine ! Plus he nailed Leiko Wu and Tarantula !!

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    • Good choices. I have a blind spot on Shang-Chi for some reason, which is strange as Master of Kung Fu is one of my favorite books. It does take extra-large church bells to show up for a rumble in those yin/yang PJs!

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  9. what about Wolverine? isn’t he manly?

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  10. Reblogged this on johnsonreginald3 and commented:
    Longbox Graveyard’s Top 10 Manliest Superheroes!

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  11. No Punisher? C’Mon Man…It doesn’t get manlier than big guns, chin stubble, bandanas, and battle vans.

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  12. 1) Originally, Nick Fury was actually injected with a variant of the Super Soldier Serum, in France, to save his life.

    2) Wolverine. There’s your list.

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